ALL THE FEELS.

(this was originally done last night.)


ARGHHHH

 So many feels tonight!!! Something you should know about me: It is incredibly difficult to get me to watch a TV show all the way through. From season 1- whenever, I just get SO INCREDIBLY BORED. This has been an ongoing problem throughout my life. Very rarely do I pick up a show and have to watch it every single episode. It is my weekly vigil to the TV gods.

Well, my life was forever changed in October 2013. I am a ginormous fan of the Horror genre. It is an admitted guilty pleasure of mine. There is just something so exciting about getting the shit scared out of me that has me addicted to horror.

In October 2013 the third season of American Horror Story hit the TV waves. Within five minutes of the first episode I was literally enthralled. Never before had a show sucked me in, made me feel like I was living inside of a different world for that one hour time slot. I was able to escape from reality. It was beautiful. It was terrifying. I didn't know exactly what it was.

I felt intimate with each character. I fucking hated Madison for being a stone-cold selfish pig-bitch. I loved Fiona because, deep down, I truly believed she was Goode. Cordelia felt like a best friend I never had. Queenie taught me how to be strong and overcome adversity. And Madam Delphine La Laurie became one of the greatest villains I have ever lain eyes on.

The entire season I would watch an episode, try to figure myself out, and wonder who would be the next Supreme. This season had so much depth. New Orleans history played a phenomenal part and tied beautifully to a fictional plot (which was probably why I loved it so much- I love history). From day 1 my husband and I would discuss plot lines and our theories. Every Thursday morning on our way to work (we commute an hour each way, blech) we would discuss theories.

From the beginning I always said Cordelia was the Supreme. Something I noticed from the get-go was that Cordelia was literally the only character without blood on her hands. My husband and I could always figure out terrible things each character would do. Fiona- well, it is Fiona. Enough said. Madison murdered Kyle and the almost all of the boys on the party bus after she was raped. Nan forced Luke's mom to drink bleach. Queenie murdered a vagrant. Zoey murdered the only survivor of the bus wreck by sleeping with him during his recovery in the hospital. Misty tried to control Kyle after she helped raise him. The voodoo queen was driven to evil.  AH! I JUST LOVE IT SO FREAKING MUCH.

Tonight was the season finale. At the end of last week's episode I started to get teary eyed. All those feels came rushing. I tried to hide it from my husband, but he could tell. I felt guilty for loving a TV show that much. At the beginning of tonight's episode My emotions were, as I can most accurately describe it, and absolute hot fucking mess.

By the end of the episode I was screaming, "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! FUCKING KILL HER. DON'T TRUST HER! YOU FUCKING IDIOT! NO!," while my husband and I tried to shield our faces from the images on the screen because we had no idea what was going to happen next.

And then it was over. I'm not going to lie, I crumbled a little bit. Mainly because I had come to love the story. The ending was handed to me like a wonderfully wrapped present, complete with a bow and limited questions. I was greatly satisfied, but simultaneously very sad. I felt as if I had been dumped by my boyfriend, but with closure. So I thank all the writers and actors for giving me that hour a week to escape.

I loved American Horror Story from the onset. The first season captured me, the second season intrigued me, and the third season enveloped me completely.

I don't always drink a bottle of $2 Buck Chuck on my own, but when I do I hate myself the next morning.

I <3 weekends. Who doesn't love weekends? Actually, to be honest, I love Tuesdays the most because they are so damn easy on me. The last couple of days have just been so blissful. I like being happy. Most of all I like feeling like my husband and I are in sync with one another. It's good. :). I drank a bottle of $2 chuck and watched scary movies last night. This is how I know I've officially grown up. I'm excited to sit with my dog, drink cheap wine, and watch bad movies on Netflix. It was actually perfect and I can't wait to do it again.

This morning Tucker and I drove up to San Jose so Tuck could play pick up football with some of his work friends. He even wore his high school football cleats. I forgot how athletic he was  (hahah, oops). Even the boys that were smaller than he is were yelling things like, "Boy got moves!" or, my favorite, "YOU ARE DECEPTIVELY ATHLETIC". Something about watching 24-35 year old guys play pick up football is absolutely adorable. And slightly painful, but mostly adorable.

ALSO, on a really happy note, TUCKER BOUGHT ME A POPCORN MAKER. It was like all of my dreams just came true. I've also eaten more popcorn in the last two days than I have in the last two years. Combined. Greatest investment ever.

Here's to starting a new week, with new goals and a big smile on my face.

From this summer, but I love this photo any way :)

Days When You Know Life is Good.

I don't remember the last time I said this, but today, life was wonderful. Today was one of those days that reminded me why life is so beautiful. I feel more content than have in months. It feels like all the struggles of the last three months has begun to slowly just fade away. I could not be more happy about that.

I thought about my blog today. Seriously, this blog has no general direction. I mainly just follow guidelines I set for myself:
 1. Try to blog every day. No matter how big or small.
2. It doesn't matter if it doesn't make sense to everyone else. I mean, I built the damn thing to just write (type) things. Random things. Things that actually pass through my mind like a wondering animal.
3. I don't have a number 3. Mainly the first two sums up how I feel about blogging.


Moving on, to the important stuff. I volunteer for a hospice. When I first signed up for it I didn't know what to expect. Originally I got in to it because I wanted to work with elderly individuals, little did I know that in just a few months my life would be forever changed. Volunteering for the organization that I volunteer for has truly been an honor and blessing in disguise. I don't use the term "blessing" or "blessed" frequently, but I truly believe that doing some of the work I've done has not only been a blessing, but an incredible lesson of life.

There is something so beautiful about hospice care. I can not deny that it is heart wrenching for a number of reasons. The idea of losing some one I potentially will become attached to breaks my heart, but I've learned so much. I've been taught so much in the few months I've been doing volunteer work. I thought about how priceless an hour of my time is in earth. Literally, priceless. It is strange to think that all the hours you've spent are earth are just gone. And you don't know how many more hours you do have left on this earth. Could be 1 hour. Could be a day. Maybe five. You just don't know. Working in hospice has opened my eyes to the beauty in the chaos of end of life care. How special every moment of every day is. It makes me rethink all those moments I wasted. Or moments I spent angry or crying. It makes me realize that those moments were selfish of me, that what I have is a luxury denied to many; I have everything in each breath I take. It makes me realize that I am as mortal as the next human. I am an ever-perishing product in this world of entropy.

It was in this realization that I came to the reality that I don't want to waste another moment of my life.

The Day I Met Harry Melberg

Harry Melberg, sounds so official right? He is actually the sweet little pooch of the family my husband is a nanny for. Yep, hubs is a manny (Man nanny). This dog is so cute it hurt a little. Long like a Basset Hound, puffy like a tiny terrier, and just adorable.

American Horror Story was on tonight. I am having an especially hard time coming to grips that next week my beloved Coven will finally come to an end. What a chapter to finish in such a well plotted/ well cast television series. This is the first time I have watched an entire series religiously. I've actually had to reschedule things because of that one hour every Wednesday. That one hour when I fall in love with fictional characters and wish I had some witch powers of my own. That one hour when I shut myself out of the real world and pretend, even for the slightest moment, that what I am watching is real.

The characters are so beautifully portrayed and complex. The plot keeps me rapt, with wide eyes and just waiting for the next big plot twist. Or death. I hate getting attached to characters because I know the most I attach myself the harder it will be to finally let go.  Occasionally I feel like a lost child at the end of each episode. I go through bizarre stages that go something like this:

Stage 1: WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED THERE?! (this happens most frequently).
Stage 2: I'M NOT 100% SURE WHAT I AM SUPPOSED TO DO WITH ALL THIS NEW INFORMATION.
Stage 3: FUCK! THE EPISODE IS OVER AND I HAVE AN ENTIRE FUCKING WEEK TO PROCESS ALL THIS NEW INFORMATION.
Stage 4 : Ermergerd I have to talk to some other human that graces their eyeballs with this show PRONTO. I need to discuss my theory on who the next Supreme is and then constantly question myself because I keep finding faults in my logic.
Stage 5: Wait very impatiently for the next episode.


Annnnnnnnd that about sums it up.  I have no problems admitting that I drank the kool-aid so carefully concocted by Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuck. I drank it and I asked, even begged, for more.

Music To My Ears

At work today our students were watched a documentary that chronicled the civil rights movement. Sure, it sounds like other documentary that chronicles a dark moment in American history, but this documentary was chronicled through the music. I was immediately in love. I am a firm believer that music is the best way to explain something, particularly to younger audiences.

Even better? The student I work with that period asked questions. There is nothing I love more than when a student I work with asks questions to clarify and understand such a complex topic.

Cabin Life

I married into the world's most WONDERFUL family. My in-laws are actually the most beautiful, loving and supportive people I've ever met. This weekend we went to our fam's cabin in Shaver Lake. 

This place is actually like heaven. Delicious junk food for days, sunshine, coffee in the pot 24/7, and a warm fire. I love, love, love, love it here. I never want to leave. 

I'm just so happy :).

Challenge Day 3+4: Basically just said F**K IT.

Yesterday one of the teachers that I work for brought us chocolate ganache cake, brie (my favorite cheese, and a variety of other delicious goodies.

That is when I had my epiphany "fuck it" moment. And then I ate whatever the fuck I wanted and it was delicious. Screw changing my eating habits. I am a human in 2014. Ima eat what I want, when I want, how I want. I just need to work it off. That seems to have helped me every point up until now, at least. Moderation is key. Always.

Something struck me as really profound yesterday. I work in special education and one of my student's birthday is on Monday of next week. So I swiped the student an extra piece of cake. As I went to give it to the student, they declined. Telling me that they were on a diet. When I inquired as to why a high school aged girl with needs wanted to go on a diet, she put her hands above her head, sucked in her stomach as far as she could and, with a huge grin on her face, told me, "Because I want to look like this."

Albeit, at first I laughed, simply because it was so ridiculous that I couldn't help myself. But after a moment I realized, oh my god...... and it hit me like a wall of bricks. Here is a student,  not deemed "typical" by our societal norms, creating an unhealthy and highly unrealistic image of what she thinks her body should look like. What kind of world have we created in which a "non-typical" student questions their body? I was disappointed in our societal norms and I think it was in this moment that I realized I wanted to portray positive body images to her, to myself, and to any other young girls I happen across. It is time to start accepting the beauty and differences in each of our bodies. It is time to spread love instead of shame. It was in this moment that I realized thinking I wouldn't be perfect unless I weighed 125lbs was utter nonsense. It was in this moment that all of those times I withheld from indulgences because I "didn't want to get fat" was ridiculous. It was in this moment that I realized that I need to love my body with all of its quirks: my chewed off nails, my scars from surgery, the chicken pock mark in the middle of my forehead, my 'Kangaroo pouch' and big ass hips, . I just need to love me for me.

Just one of those moments that I have all too frequently when one of my students teaches me instead of me teaching them.

Promoting body image love from here on out!! My goal in 2014!

Challenge Day 2: Jessie is An Epic Failure.

TOOT TOOOOOOT all aboard the epic fail train!


I really suck. Hard core suckage going down. I can't seriously do anything for more than a day.

Here I am, day 2, failing hard. URG.

So it started with me saying no to chocolate truffles (a win, small, but still a win in my book). I get to the main classroom I work in and a coworker brought fresh pastries. FRESH DELICIOUS FRUIT PASTRIES. I obviously can never just give a resounding "NOPE". I love fruit pastries. They have fruit on them.... healthy! Right?!

Moving on, a student I work with is in a Foods class. Simultaneously the most awesome and horrible thing ever. Awesome: free bomb ass food. All. The. Time. Horrible: free bomb ass food All. The. Time. And of course she goes and makes these incredible fresh, flaky, butter, fully of fatty goodness biscuits today. And of course she becomes absolutely elated when she wrenches them from her bag to give me a taste.

Ugh, fail. Serious fail. I was really disappointed with myself, but I am going to pick right back up tomorrow and SERIOUSLY start this whole lifestyle change. I KNOW I can do this. I just need to learn a little self control, which isn't supposed to be easy. I really do want to try this out so starting tomorrow, I tell myself NO.

Other than that, today I went and did some more volunteering. I legally can not give specifics of what I am doing, but today reminded me of why I reached out to to a Hospice facility to become a volunteer. I finally feel totally apart of something far, far bigger than myself.

Being a Grown Up

I am still trying to figure out what exactly those words mean. I turn 25 this year. Twenty f*&!ing five. Shit. Didn't see that one coming. Why does it seem like the older we get, the more we realize how fast everything is. Sometimes it feels like I just turned 18 and was starting to spread my wings out in this great big world.....

But then it hits me that I turned 18 almost 7 years ago. I'm going to be a quarter century old. This seems surreal. And the best part??

I still have absolutely no idea where I am going.

Strangely enough, I am feeling pretty O.K. about not knowing. I hit my "what the fuck am I doing with my life" crisis my first year out of college.

The Challenge: Day 1

I gave up trying to be fancy on this blog a long, long (lonnnnnnng) time ago. If I actually decide to post pictures, just be glad I gave you the opportunity to gaze upon those photos in the first place.

But actually. Deal.

Anyway, yesterday I had an epiphany. Like most of my great epiphanies, I was hanging out in a bubble bath. I wanted to create a personal life style challenge for myself. So I came with a list of different things to try for the next 21 days.

ANDDDDDD HERE THEY ARE:

• Cut out all Gluten*. 
• Cut out all Dairy*.
• Go to the gym/workout every day
• Squat challege!
• Read for AT THE BARE MINIMUM of 30 minutes a day.
• Blog for 21 days straight.

*Special disclaimer for wanting to abstain from Gluten/ Dairy: NO, I AM NOT GOING PALEO. Don't get me started on how annoyed I get with "Paleo". I studied a lot of Prehistory in college. I am still eating beans. Hellsa delicious and happy beans. I regret nothing.

I originally wanted to cut out Gluten and Dairy products to see what kind of effect this would have on my skin. Since I moved to California, my skin has become significantly more irritated. I can not remember the last time I just had nice, normal, healthy skin. 

Going to the gym can always be a challenge. This time I am ready to step up and get my booty back in gear!! I am also doing a 30 day squat challenge. So far my legs are dyingggggg.

Now comes for the blogging. I love to write journals. I also want to catalog all of my triumphs and how I am feeling over the next 21 days to see if this is a lifestyle change I would like to further pursue.

Day one proved to be much easier than normal. I did a decent job of really researching food before I put it in to my mouth hole. What sucks the most about making a lifestyle change like this? Money. I can't figure out why it cost me $4 to buy a tiny, tinnnnnnny thing of vegan butter.

like, come on. 

ok.... on to day two!!!