I simply can not sleep

Tucker turns 25 in a little less than 36 hours. I've put so much time and effort (and mostly money) into making his birthday the best that it can be, but even then I feel like I don't do enough. It sucks being swamped by big girl shit. It is really difficult to buy something for an individual who is known to buy anything that he wants on a whim. What can I say? At least I married a man who can make up his mind. I am taking him to our haunt on Friday. La Fondue. I wrote about it this summer after I came home because he took me there. So lovely. So romantic.

On to more pressing issues:

For the last few days I have been desperately trying to locate my camera. The one that had the SD card from my trip to the Philippines. I've torn most of my house apart. Moved furniture. Cried. Asked myself what could have happened to it, where I might have hoisted it off to.  I am devastated that it has gone missing. In my worst fears, my cats knocked it into our recycling and it is lost forever. I even called the recycling plant and left them a message begging for its return if it had been found in the last few weeks.

In my best dreams, it is just sitting some where waiting for me to hold it and cry and tell it that I'm never going to part from it again. There are so many priceless memories stored on that camera and my heart breaks a little knowing that it has suddenly vanished from my home. I am truly a wreck over it. I keep thinking, "Jess, it's ok. It is only a camera. You have photos on your phone. You have photos from friends. You have priceless memories and an entire journal full of gorgeous letters describing all those beautiful things and people and places. You can get another camera". Not only that, but I keep trying to justify the loss with an oh well, looks like you're going to have to go back to take more pictures and go on more adventures around Southeast Asia this summer. I guess that is an ok coping mechanism, but it still doesn't fill that void. All those beautiful things. The thanksgiving ritual, the Mumbaki, the sacrifice, my first trench evolving. Gone. Just like that, all thanks to my negligence.

So now I pray. I pray to the camera gods that I have never known that by some stroke of beautiful chance that I find my precious and irreplaceable moments.

I guess my husband is right, I take up the pen (or key board in this case) in my saddest moments.