I Hit The Wall Of Absolute Sadness. Dated: June 06, 2013

I was reading back through more of my journal entries from last Summer. I honestly got really teary reading a few of the final entries. The ones I wrote to Tucker on my last few days in the Philippines. I wrote about how the place changed my life. The Philippines changed me fundamentally, as a human, for the better. I can only hope that one day everyone can have an adventure that changes the way they see the world, just like I did and I plan to keep doing.

Our world is a beautiful place and it would be a damn shame to not see every inch of it as possible.

06-06-2013
Late Night (Like 11:15 PM)

Hey Baby,

Sorry I keep telling you I'll get to talk to you late at night. Life gets too busy and it is actually impossible to get back to SITMO. SO i can just write to you instead. 

I hit the wall of absolute sadness today. Part of me is not wanting to FaceTime you any more because it makes me so sad. I've never missed you so much. The best part of thinking about coming home is knowing that on my birthday, that very next day, I get to wake up in bed in your arms.

You're 24??! You're MARRIED? YOU'RE MOVING ABROAD!?! (Part 1 of many, I am sure).

A week ago, at this exact moment, I finished up my interview with the company I wanted to teach for in China. I was trying to figure out how to get to Tucker, who was across town, and the struggle was real. His team  having their annual team dinner at what looked like a delicious Greek restaurant. I am not big on cabs, too expensive, so I just opted to stay in our hotel until they returned.

When Tucker came back to our little hotel nest he was definitely a little tipsy. And Tipsy Tucker is the best Tucker. A waiter had confused "iced tea" for "long island iced tea" and Tucker was handed the mistakes. Yes, plural. At the game the following morning the parents fawned over the persistence of Hubs at the restaurant. Apparently Tucker was going to stop at nothing to make sure I got to experience the fabulous Greek food like he did. In reality, he knows how hangry I get and did not want to feel the wrath of hangry Jessie come down upon him that night.

He is seriously the absolute greatest.

Four hours later, from this moment a week ago,  I was offered a position teaching in China. And I took it. Immediately. Lord knows that if I gave myself more than thirty-seconds to think about it I would've rejected the offer. I mean, I took it immediately after I realized the email was sent directly to my junk mail folder. Gmail freaked out and didn't recognize the address of the HR woman that sent me the position. This caused minor confusions when the recruiter congratulated me in an obligatory 'welcome aboard' email that was answered with minor confusion (and a lot of happiness) on my end.

My week since accepting the position has been full of, "Oh my gosh! China is SO far!" and "That's amazing! Do it while you're young!" and a little, " I could never do that" which I call total B.S. on. You can do it, you just don't want to do it.

Among all of these questions, and my personal favorite, "What about your husband?" What about my husband? He has a name, you know. It's Tucker. What about Tucker?

Well guess what?
We will still be married.
We will be completely in love.
We will obsess over each other.
We will talk at every chance, just like we do right now.
We will tell each other the mundane play-by-play of our day.
We will grow in our marriage. Probably more than we ever have previously.
We will always have each other to lean on when times get rough.
We will still be together.
I will just live really, really far away for roughly fourteen months.

We chose to share our lives at a young age and we get that. We got that a long time ago... Like nearly three years ago when we tied the knot. What we didn't choose to do was to quit our dreams simply because we got married. Newsflash: we don't live in 1950 any more. You can still be married and live your life. Even if that life takes you in a direction you never thought you'd go, you can still be married!  No longer is it about being adhering to the societal norm of "marriage" to Tucker or I. To us, it is about being happy. It's about looking at our life 60 years from now and being proud of our accomplishments both as a couple and as individuals. We are still individual people. We still have individual aspirations. We both still have places we want to go and people we want to see. None of that disappeared when we paid $66 to the state of Oregon and signed a piece of paper that legally (and symbolically) glued our lives together. None of it.

We get one shot at this life thing. We plan on making our shot the best it can be. Even if that shot means having to spend time a world away to follow our dreams.

Success

I didn't exactly grow up living like Paris Hilton, which I am beyond ok with. My family provided more than enough to get by, with set backs of course. When I was 8 or 9 (I can't honestly give you an exact age because I I tried to block it out) much of our house was destroyed by a horrible flood. I know we lost a lot, but I was mainly concerned that my sand box had been washed away in the destruction. Granted we probably had three feet of water rushing through our living at one point, but I was pissed because my favorite plastic shark got washed away.

This huge life event was easily the catalyst in my urge to become some person who was wealthy and powerful. Probably because I felt so small and helpless at the time. All I wanted was to live in a big house. I wanted that damn Bentley. The prestige. All of those things. Graduating high school I was so determined to get out and become some high power lawyer who raked in millions. That's all I wanted. I didn't care about anything else, just that cash money or how I could grab as many material things as I could lay my hands on....

Now, here I am, nearly 25 (when the hell did that happen??) and working in a school district as a Teacher's Assistant. Not exactly what I imagined, but I'll take it all the same. My job is actually pretty great, tiny complaints aside. The shape of what I deemed as success has definitely (and thankfully) changed and is ever-evolving as I get older. As I get to experience the world in different ways I realize what I gauge as "success" is hardly a shell of what I started out with:

No longer is my "success" measured by how big a house I will have or how nice of car I will buy, but by how many stamps I can get into my passport? How many lives can I touch? How many lives can touch mine? How many adventures can these two legs take me on? What kinds of foods can I experience? What kind of cultural mishaps can I finagle my way out of? I may not have been able to buy a car by 25, nor will I probably be able to buy a house by 30, but I have got to dig up beads in the Philippines that were still just as bright and beautiful as the day they were buried. I almost died in Argentina during a freak rain storm that led us to traversing a mountainside and walking through knee-deep mud for nearly 5 (or more, who knows) hours. I've protested in Washington D.C. I got a stamp from Ireland in my passport dated March 17th. I got to watch a ritual pig slaughter. I've climbed to the top of the Eiffel Tower. I rambled around the catacombs of the Smithsonian and accidently wandered into classrooms during lessons. I almost died on a flight out of Santiago, Chile. I've explored ruins of the Great Wall of China with my best friend. I've gotten lost in Nice, France far too late at night. I've gawked a Sun Fish in the Milan, Italy Aquarium. I've swam in waters beneath mile long waterfalls that simultaneously touched 2 countries at once (Argentina and Brasil). I've walked across the Golden Gate Bridge. I've thrown a surprise party for my best friend's birthday on a hostel rooftop in Montevideo, Uruguay. I've taken shots of tequila in Mexico. I've met some of the most incredible people on this great Earth.

My memories are as priceless as they are endless and I wouldn't trade or change them for the any amount of money (well, maybe some more plane tickets) or material wealth.  Success is such a fickle, fleeting thing. Right now my six month image of success involves climbing up and down rice terraces, digging in the dirt and impacting the history of South East Asia. And that image of success makes my heart beat just a little bit faster and my smile just a little bit wider.

We live in such a beautiful world and it would be a damn shame and waste to miss out on any of it because of some outdated indoctrination that I need a two story house with two kids, a Labrador and a white picket fence. I can work for all of those things when I am ready and willing. For now though, I am going to have fun experiencing this planet we call home.